Goblin Meat and Gravy Pudding
Written by The Human Dustbin and posted in Food

One of our Facebook Page readers (Mark P.) recommended that I check out B&M Bargains for their impressive range of ‘distressing meats’. While perusing their range of spectacularly nasty victuals in my local store, I came across this little gem. A microwaveable meat pudding. What drew my attention to this product was the illustration on the packaging. Unlike most illustrations, this pudding with its groaty looking ‘meat’ looked completely unappetising and for just 49p, it had to be tried.

Cutting the film around the top of the pot, ready for microwaving, I was full of anticipation. My grandmother used to make suet puddings when I was a child and they were one of my favourites. Perhaps it would be like that and I would be in for a treat. As soon as I removed the film disc, that thought was firmly put to bed. The pudding did not have a base and the contents looked like dog food.
Goblin Meat Pudding, film removed, ugh

As it says on the packaging you can just ‘heat and eat’, so I put the little cup of sludge in the microwave for 90 seconds. While waiting, I decided to check the ingredients for anything anomalous and sure enough there was. I’d never heard of Autolysed Protein before, but apparently its a ‘highly processed form of protein containing free glutamate and used to mimic the taste-enhancer chemical MSG’. Something of course, my Granny didn’t add to hers.
Goblin Meat and Gravy pudding with autolysed protein

After waiting 30 seconds after the ping, it was time to try and get it on the plate. I gingerly squeezed and tapped, squeezed and tapped, but after one overzealous tap, the pudding’s filling plopped onto the plate. Mmmm doesn’t that just make your mouth water?
Goblin Meat and Gravy pudding, the filling

After recreating the packaging shot it was time to dig in. The meat (apparently beef) and gravy was completely tasteless. The gravy had a uncooked flour taste to it and the meat had a horrible grainy texture. The only thing similar in texture I have eaten, which was equally tasteless, is textured vegetable protein (TVP). The pudding didn’t look or taste cooked despite 90 seconds in a 950w microwave. It was also floury, greasy and utterly tasteless. Goblin should chuck a ton of salt in the recipe to make it more palatable. After eating around a third of the pudding, a quite unpleasant yeasty aftertaste started to come through, so I gave the rest to the dog. He loved it, which speaks volumes.
Goblin Meat and Gravy pudding, the tasting

Appearance: 3/10
Taste: 3/10
Value: 4/10
Overall: 10/30

Simpson Ready Foods Ltd

  • Ross Taylor-Green

    God bless you and your colon for suffering these atrocious food stuffs.

  • Mark Penrice

    Oh god, I’m responsible for you having to undergo this? I’m so sorry 🙁

    Mind you, the one I tried ages ago (from Asda, dunno if they still stock them) came out a bit better than that, both before and after cooking, so either they’ve done away with the base to trim costs even further (one suspects the pastry is the most expensive bit) or you got one that’s gone even more wrong than the usual.

    For 49p, if you are in dire need of carbs and protein, it’s probably decent value, but as something to have for your dinner… no.

    BTW, I think Autolysed Yeast is basically what you get halfway through making marmite from leftover brewer’s yeast. Basically what they do afterwards at the marmite factory is filter the mess created by osmotically bursting the yeast cells, then simmer and salt the mixture to reduce it to a pasty goopy texture instead of thin liquid, and strengthen the flavour. In this case there’s no need because that partly happens whilst making the pseudding anyway. Hence not being able to call it “yeast extract”. With any luck it should at least mean you’re getting some B-vitamins.
    (It’s a handy additive to a homemade pie, casserole or chili if it seems a bit lacking in body, but putting it in a commercial product suggests either you don’t know what you’re doing, or the ingredients are tasteless bottom-of-the-barrel MRM and greaves…)

  • Griff

    Ye Gods – you actually ate that!!!???