Written by The Human Dustbin and posted in Food

Following on from the Tesco Value 3 course lunch, today I bring you a Gastropub style 3 course lunch from Asda’s Smartprice range. On the Menu today:


Starter
Asda Smartprice Cream of Chicken Soup 24p

Main
Asda Smartprice Sausage & Mash Pie 91p

Drink
Asda Smartprice Lager (4x440ml) 70p

Dessert
Asda Smartprice Strawberry Cheesecake 34p

Asda Smartprice Cream of Chicken Soup
Asda Smartprice Cream of Chicken SoupChicken Soup. Comforting, warming and some say, the cure for the common cold. However, this one was to turn out to be no cure for anything including my lunchtime hunger pangs. I’m sure there is not many people reading this who have not tried the Heinz variety of this soup, but could a 24p can be just as good? It was time to find out.

On opening the can I was immediately hit by an off putting smell. It was chicken soup, but smelt like is was on the turn and slightly cabbagy. Pouring the soup out into a microwavable bowl, the bits of chicken, well flecks of chicken were the brownest of brown meat. The kind you get on a roast chicken around the ‘parsons nose’ or ‘mudflap’ as I call it. I microwaved it for a minute and a half, gave it a stir then gave it another minute as per the manufacturers instructions. Once it came out of the microwave, the rank chicken smell had intensified and I had to keep telling myself it was edible.

Asda Smartprice Cream of Chicken Soup nukedSo what does it taste like? I like the brown meat on a roast chicken but this is just horrible. After microwaving you can see around the edges of the bowl where the gloop has curdled slightly and formed little lumps. It tastes slightly off, to the point where after 4 spoons of this soup, it was starting to seriously turn my stomach, so I stopped. I’ve no doubt that it wasn’t, it was me probably thinking about the bruised, brown meat from a non-freedom food farmed chicken that went into this when it should have gone into pet food.

Appearance: 2/10
Taste: 1/10
Value: 3/10
Overall: 6/30

Retailer:
Asda
Manufacturer:
Asda
Cost:
£0.24
CPP:

Asda Smartprice Sausage & Mash Pie
Asda Smartprice Sausage & Mash PieBangers & Mash, it’s a Gastropub staple. However, in microwave land everything has to come in one nukable lump, so Asda created the Sausage and Mash ‘Pie’. At 91p this was the bulk of the lunch budget gone, so I had high expectations from the outset. It wasn’t until I got this home and started to ponder what kind of sausage could be in it, when I recalled vomiting after eating an Asda Smartprice sausage in the Multi-Supermaket Value Sausage Sword Fight Review. I know you’ll be disappointed to find out, it wasn’t vomit inducing. I’m sorry!

Asda Smartprice Sausage & Mash Pie 'wavingAfter whipping it out of the cover, you can see it is sausages in gravy with some mash piped on top. Looking at the cover, the use by date was 21 November and I bought it on the 12th. That is some shelf life for a chilled product. Those sausages must be mummified with nitrates, I thought to myself. After giving it a 2.5min blast in the microwave, letting it settle for a minute, before giving it a final 2.5min nuking, it was ready to eat. I thought about plating it, but I know it would have fallen apart, plus it wanted to eat this as the gods of shite food intended, au natural.

Asda Smartprice Sausage & Mash Pie eatingSo what does it taste like? The mash and the onion gravy are quite pleasant, the sausages, well sliced bits of sausage were another thing. It’s always hard to describe the taste of something that is essentially tasteless. I could not identify any of the usual ingredients, sage, mace, etc nor could I tell if it was pork or beef. Without the label, I would have said beef. The consistency was the same as hot dog and reminded of the mystery meat items in the canned all day breakfast.

Overall it was edible but bland, like hospital food.

Appearance: 4/10
Taste: 4/10
Value: 5/10
Overall: 13/30

Retailer:
Asda
Manufacturer:
Asda
Cost:
£0.91
CPP:

Asda Smartprice Lager
Asda Smartprice LagerWe have a change in the original planned menu here. I could not get Smartprice Bitter in my local mega-Asda, so I had to get Lager instead. So what do you get for your 70p, just over 3 pints of fizzy piss-water is the answer. These days I’m more of a Guinness and Malt Whisky chap, but in my youth I did consume Lager so I had a rough idea of what to compare it to, Carling Black Label being Lager Neutral (5/10) and Becks being towards the top end of the chart (9/10).

Asda Smartprice Lager pissyOf all things, I forgot to take a photo of a can decanted into a pint glass. However, I can tell you that it didn’t look like beer. It did indeed look like carbonated yellow water. There was no head. Giving it a smell it was like someone had taken a pint, tipped half away and topped it up with soda water. You knew it was Lager, and it was vaguely alcoholic and that was it. The taste was like a shandy without the lemon of the lemonade to give it some flavour. After 3 sips, it went down the sink. On the scale I mentioned above it would be 1/10 and that is being generous. There is no point in buying this. There comes a time when to make it this cheap, its whole essence has been destroyed.

Appearance: 3/10
Taste: 2/10
Value: 3/10
Overall: 8/30

Retailer:
Asda
Manufacturer:
Asda
Cost:
£0.70
CPP:

Asda Smartprice Strawberry Cheesecake
Asda Smartprice Strawberry CheesecakeFinally we have dessert. I could have gone cheaper with 4 pots of Smartprice chocolate mousse for 32p, but I decided to push the boat out and spend a whole 34p on a single portion. Cheesecake is one of the very few sweet dishes that I really like. A good new york baked variety or a raspberry one being my favourites. Taking off the lid, the Strawberry topping on this one is about 5mm deep, opaque and covers everything.

Asda Smartprice Strawberry Cheesecake eatingSo what does it taste like? The Strawberry top is more like a strained sauce and very runny. Reminds me of home made jam that hasn’t quite set or the Strawberry sauce you used to get on an Ice Cream when you were a kid. It is very sweet and as you would expect is more sugar than Strawberry. The cheese itself is very soft and more like a mousse and has the flavour of faux cream. The base is not hard and crumbles instantly and tastes just like a digestive biscuit, without the butter to make it set. Calling it a cheesecake is a bit of a stretch of the imagination, but it is not bad and was by far the best part of the meal.

Appearance: 5/10
Taste: 5/10
Value: 5/10
Overall: 15/30

Retailer:
Asda
Manufacturer:
Asda
Cost:
£0.34
CPP:

Conclusion
The soup is frankly inedible. If you can eat a whole can of this, you are more a man than me. The Sausage & Mash pie could be so much better with just a few more pennies spent on a better sausage. The Lager is just carbonated piss, not worth the pennies and resources to can it. However, the cheesecake is not bad for the money, try one.