Billy Bear Slicing Sausage, start ’em young on the groat!

When browsing the deli counter in my local supermarket, there’s always one meat product that stands out from the others like a turd in a punch bowl. After so many requests, the time had finally come to try it, which allowed me to ask the young lady behind the counter for ‘4 slices of the bear meat please’. Billy Bear Slicing Sausage (to give it its full title) is a reformed, well, sausage for children. A product designed to break a child into the myriad of crap meat products that are to come, like canned burgers for example. Being a deli counter product, I decided to scour the web and find out who makes this delightful sausage and what is in it. Although manufactured in Ireland, it is produced by the Feldhues Group, ‘Your specialists for children’s character meat sausage’, which I’m sure you will agree is good to know, if you want to feed your child character meats.

Asda sell the pre-packed version of this product, so I was able to find out what was in it, 32% Turkey, 29% Pork and the other 39% made out of pork fat, pork liver and pea and carrot fibre, all sprinkled with a little sodium nitrate fairy dust. On opening my deli packet, I grabbed one of the slices of cross-sectioned bear head and gave it a sniff… nothing. Almost getting my nose right on the slice, I had a vague whiff of something I recognised, but have never eaten. As a boy, I used to do a lot of Carp fishing and used to use the cheapest pork luncheon meat I could get my hands on as bait. Well this is what Billy Bear smelt like.

Billy Bear MutilatedSo what does it taste like? I mutilated Billy Bear in a childish manner, ripping off one of his ears first, for a taste test. Well I now have a vague idea of what luncheon meat tastes like. It was extremely bland for a meat product, which was not surprising, as this sausage has been manufactured to be slightly tasteless for children’s sensitive taste buds. It’s not like pork or ham, it has a taste all of its own. It’s not particularly offensive in any way, but not a taste I’d recommend and certainly a cop out for anyone who is on their own crap food odyssey. If it resembles anything I’ve tasted before it would be Mortadella Sausage. I was just considering slapping a slice between two margarine coated slices of soft white bread (its natural accompaniment) when the slightly rank aftertaste kicked in. It was time for the final test. No, our cats would not eat it. Perhaps they’d prefer monkey meat instead?

Monkey Meat

Appearance: 5/10
Taste: 2/10
Value: 3/10
Overall: 10/30

Wm Morrison Supermarkets plc
Feldhues Group
£0.76 (110g)