Iceland Doner Kebab Pizza, a fusion food nightmare for a quid

When I think of Pizza, I think of a thin base, with rich tomato sauce, Milano salami or Etruscan Pepperoni, with buffalo mozzarella.  However, it’s not that often that I’m flushed enough to spend £5 on a top-end supermarket pizza.  That being said, paying just £1 for a pizza just seems wrong, especially when you could not find anything in Lidl, that cheap.  Iceland had a number of pizza varieties in their £1 range and given a choice, a bizarre fusion of chav takeaway favourites would be my last.

Iceland Doner Kebab Pizza, misleading boxUnwrapping this monster, it was clear that the amount of topping on the real thing did not match the illustration on the box.  I know this is often the case, but this specimen frankly took the proverbial piss.  In fact, the only way this could have been made cheaper, would be to get a cash-and-carry margherita pizza, scrape off half the cheese and show it a doner kebab before it’s packaged, with just a meagre 7% reformed lamb.

After removing the packaging, a vague smell of kebab hit my nostrils and on closer inspection it was the same faux doner meat as used in the Snacksters Doner Kebabs.  However, I tried to convince myself that being baked rather than microwaved, might improve the taste if this ‘lamb ham’.

Iceland Doner Kebab Pizza, cookedAfter baking the pizza strictly to the manufacturers instructions, this is what it looked like.  I sliced it into quarters in order to take a picture of the pizza photography ‘pop-shot’, which is known in the trade as ‘the stretch’, pulling a sliced section of the pizza from the plate and seeing the mozzarella stretch out.  There was simply not enough cheese on this pizza to do that, this was to be the first of many anti-climaxes.

So what does it taste like?  This was a serious challenge as it was by far the most tasteless item I have yet tried.  The meat had that unmistakable faux doner taste complete with lingering aftertaste but there was so little of it, it wasn’t the main flavour, which was the red onion.  The base was made of such cheap flour, that it was virtually tasteless.  It tasted like it needed seasoning.  It was simply a cotton wool wodge of carbohydrate.  The Tomato sauce was the right colour and that was about it.  It also had a slightly sweet edge.  The cheese was just edible rubber.

If this was your first experience of pizza, it is liable to put you off it for life.  There comes a point when to make a product that retails for just £1, you destroy its very essence that makes it a pleasure to eat.  As for the R&D person who thought it was a good idea to concoct this fusion food monstrosity, please, please, give up your day job.

Appearance: 3/10
Taste: 1/10
Value: 3/10
Overall: 7/30

Iceland Foods Ltd
Iceland Foods Ltd