Elton John once sung ‘Saturday night’s alright for fighting’ but for me, Tuesday night is alright to try The Full Monty, a sort of breakfast in a can. These type of ‘meals’, baked beans with stuff added, have been around for a while and I thought they were the kind of thing you take on a all-night fishing trip, when all you have is a billy can and a fire to cook on. However I’m sure some people eat them at home. So rather than being freezing cold in the middle of the night next to a lake, I decided to eat this little beauty in the comfort of my own home, on a plate, with a knife and fork!
Only 3 minutes on full power in the Microwave (in a 750w cooker, mine is 900w, but hey, better safe than sorry) and I was ready to eat. My first impression was ‘pavement pizza’. Let’s face it, it doesn’t look great, but it was never going to. My second impression was ‘Oh dear, someone has f**ked up at the factory and put pepperoni in the can’ after looking at the discs of meat. After looking at the can again, then at the plate, then at the can again, I finally identified all the mystery meats, the discs were ‘mini bacon steaks’ apparently.
Which brings me on nicely to the horror in the middle of the plate, that to me looks like a cat turd, but to my partner, a gangrenous bollock. It’s neither of these, of course, but a ‘mini chopped & shaped beef & cereal cutlet’. A sort of burger then, but probably does not contain enough meat to be called a burger*.
Now for the taste test. The beans, potatoes and button mushrooms were fine, but you know you could do a lot better yourself with a can of beans and sautéing your own potatoes and mushrooms. Now for the mystery meat. I was expecting the sausages to taste like a regular cheap skinless sausage, but alas, they tasted like pork luncheon meat. The bacon discs did not taste like bacon or any other meat I’ve ever eaten. They were savoury and vaguely meaty and slightly gritty, really quite disgusting.
Bracing myself, I tucked in to the centre piece. Imagine the roughest groaty burger you’ve ever tasted, that would be a delicacy compared to this meat thing. It maybe fit for human consumption but you maybe forgiven for thinking otherwise. The most vile meat based food item I’ve ever consumed… yet!
|Tesco Stores Ltd|
|Crosse And Blackwell|
* Might not be true.