When I bought these hotdogs for review, I thought to myself they’d be a doddle after the horror that was pigs tongue in a can. “I like a Herta Frankfurter now and again” I thought to myself, how bad could they really be? Saying that though, I’ve never bought a frankfurter that came in a jar or a can. Like all these kind of sausagey meat products, I was under no illusions what goes into them, let’s say not the finest cuts. However, looking at the ingredients I was in for a shock.
For a start, these hotdogs are made of 59% mechanically separated Chicken. For those who don’t know what this is, it’s often known as “white slime”. Wikipedia describes its production like this:
The process entails pureeing or grinding the carcass left after the manual removal of meat from the bones and then forcing the slurry through a sieve under pressure. This puree includes bone, bone marrow, skin, nerves, blood vessels, and the scraps of meat remaining on the bones. The resulting product is a blend of muscle (meat) and other tissues not generally considered meat.
If this sounds disgusting, I’ve already tried a product that contained “white slime”, namely the Asda Smartprice (Chicken) Meatballs, that weren’t as bad as expected. However, the worst was yet to come. The other 41% of the hotdogs are made of various matter that I would describe as meat waste products including, Pork Fat, Pork Rind and Pork Greaves. This was the first time throughout my shite food odyssey that I had ever come across ‘greaves’, so I had to Google what that was, I wasn’t quite prepared for this being in food apparently fit for human consumption. ‘Greaves’ is the unmelted residue left after animal fat has been rendered. So, the scum that’s left at the bottom of the barrel when the shitest of shit meat products have been processed. The gunk that should be binned.
A week went past after reading the ingredients list before I plucked up the courage to finally go for a taste test. After whizzing round with a can opener, before lifting up the lid, I decided to have a good ol’ sniff of what I was about to receive. Big, big mistake. Imagine buying the cheapest chicken fillets from the supermarket in one of those sealed packs and leaving them out at room temperature for a week so they’re good and slimy, before piercing the film and taking a deep sniff of stomach churning rancid chicken. That’s what these hotdogs smelt like. That and shit. I instantly gagged and brought a bit of sick up into my mouth.
After pouring away the brown tinged and fat flecked liquid while heaving, I filled a pan with clean water and plopped the extruded white slime turds in, with a feeling of absolute dread and lit the gas (you can’t microwave these, probably because they’d disintegrate). I would have to at least try putting a bit of one of these in my mouth and chew and there was me thinking they wouldn’t be that bad. It was at this point I considered putting a bit of Vicks Vaporub under my nostrils to block out the vile whiff and make my challenge easier, but I thought that would be cheating.
Ok, I probably cooked these longer than I should have done to make sure that if I managed to ingest a bite, they would not poison me. As soon as I got a couple on to a plate, they started to discolour rapidly and go brown. I was determined to take a bite and get it over with as soon as they were cool enough. Cooking had toned down the rank smell, but they still smelt like they had gone off.
Slicing off a bite size piece, I thought of England and put the white slime in my mouth. The lunch tongue (my current nemesis), although the taste was disgusting, I managed to chew it at least five times before spitting it out. This bit of hotdog didn’t last that long. As soon as my taste buds detected it and I chewed it once, I had to eject it into the sink before I spewed my guts out. These are my new nemesis and as far as I’m concerned, aren’t fit for human consumption. Seriously, if the USA wants to ‘aggressively interrogate detained combatants’, forget waterboarding. Open up a can of Kingsfood/Lancaster hotdogs and put them under their nose. They’ll sing like a canary. As for Tesco, Asda, Morrisons and Sainsbury’s who sell them, you should be ashamed to retail this crap. Take a look at Sainsbury’s customer reviews for this product. People use them as dog food.
|Tesco Stores Ltd|
|Kingsfood (has the same manufacturers address as Ye Olde Oak)|