Billy Bear Slicing Sausage
Written by The Human Dustbin and posted in Cooked Meats & Pâté, Food

When browsing the deli counter in my local supermarket, there’s always one meat product that stands out from the others like a turd in a punch bowl. After so many requests, the time had finally come to try it, which allowed me to ask the young lady behind the counter for ‘4 slices of the bear meat please’. Billy Bear Slicing Sausage (to give it its full title) is a reformed, well, sausage for children. A product designed to break a child into the myriad of crap meat products that are to come, like canned burgers for example. Being a deli counter product, I decided to scour the web and find out who makes this delightful sausage and what is in it. Although manufactured in Ireland, it is produced by the Feldhues Group, ‘Your specialists for children’s character meat sausage’, which I’m sure you will agree is good to know, if you want to feed your child character meats.

Asda sell the pre-packed version of this product, so I was able to find out what was in it, 32% Turkey, 29% Pork and the other 39% made out of pork fat, pork liver and pea and carrot fibre, all sprinkled with a little sodium nitrate fairy dust. On opening my deli packet, I grabbed one of the slices of cross-sectioned bear head and gave it a sniff… nothing. Almost getting my nose right on the slice, I had a vague whiff of something I recognised, but have never eaten. As a boy, I used to do a lot of Carp fishing and used to use the cheapest pork luncheon meat I could get my hands on as bait. Well this is what Billy Bear smelt like.

Billy Bear MutilatedSo what does it taste like? I mutilated Billy Bear in a childish manner, ripping off one of his ears first, for a taste test. Well I now have a vague idea of what luncheon meat tastes like. It was extremely bland for a meat product, which was not surprising, as this sausage has been manufactured to be slightly tasteless for children’s sensitive taste buds. It’s not like pork or ham, it has a taste all of its own. It’s not particularly offensive in any way, but not a taste I’d recommend and certainly a cop out for anyone who is on their own crap food odyssey. If it resembles anything I’ve tasted before it would be Mortadella Sausage. I was just considering slapping a slice between two margarine coated slices of soft white bread (its natural accompaniment) when the slightly rank aftertaste kicked in. It was time for the final test. No, our cats would not eat it. Perhaps they’d prefer monkey meat instead?

Monkey Meat

Appearance: 5/10
Taste: 2/10
Value: 3/10
Overall: 10/30

Retailer:
Wm Morrison Supermarkets plc
Manufacturer:
Feldhues Group
Cost:
£0.76 (110g)
CPP:
  • company of cooks

    I reconise them faces, know wonder that hippy I met in New Cross was laughing when I gave him 40 quid.I got all the way home swallowed a couple put on Pink Floyds Dark side of the moon,drew the curtains,and waited……..and waited……….and waited…..fucking nothing what a waste of my hard earned benifit money.

  • Raynard

    company of cooks …………

    Stay on topic you knob!

    Anyway, this so-called food is waste meat & other gunk
    scraped from the factory floor. Throw in some chemicals to taste
    & there you have it. Lovely brain rotting chav food.
    Should carry a health warning.

    • Dave

      What do you no you faggot Raynard,I bet you suck sausages.

  • Warren

    I see from the Feldhuse Group website they produce Happy Bunny Sausage and Happy Angel meat as well. The mind boggles.

    • tahrey

      ANGEL meat?!

      The savages! ;,-(

  • Warren

    Some of the products on display could be used to have a right gigglein a communal shower area, leave a full sausage there, hide in the cubical’s and wait for the reactions.

    • tahrey

      hahahaa…. i don’t even know which sausage you’re referring to, why you would do that, or what it may be meant to look like… but i’m still giggling like an idiot at the very idea of it.

      you mean a full, proper sausage? or a large hunk of billy bear?

      i sure know that if something like that turned up in one of the cubicles in my uni halls, or in a gym changing room shower area, i’d promply cack myself and retreat to a more public area (or my room), all the whilst being on the lookout for an unhinged axe murderer

  • sarah

    Sliced meat with a bears face on it?!?,what a creepy product!,I’ve never seen anything like it!

    • tahrey

      Not been near the deli counter or cold cooked meats shelf in a british supermarket then? this stuff has been around for donkey’s years. probably the same batch of it too, for all we know the factory’s been shut for the last decade.

  • MP

    Though it wouldn’t be worth a second article, I would recommend you give the similar Bob The Builder branded stuff a quick try, if you can find it cheap. I ran across a pack on clearance down to 20p. Needed just *something* for a sandwich filling, so snapped it up. Probably exactly the same material, just arranged slightly differently.

    It was, indeed, the blandest thing I’ve tasted in a very long time, if not ever. Cucumber, celery, iceberg lettuce, paper, quorn, water (bottled, or from a non fluoridised, soft water area tap), countryside air before the muckspreading begins… all of these have more flavour than BTB slices. I put it in a so-called-“ham”, salad and pickle sandwich with ICBINB spread and smartprice white bread.

    Biting into it at my works desk, I could taste salad, pickle, bread, spread… not the meat. Despite having a good three slices (half the pack) on the go.

    Maybe I was spoilt. Skint as she often must have been, mum never bought that stuff when we were kids. Lunchboxes had small amounts of actual ham, peeled carrots, a flask of oxtail soup in the winter… we got used to eating things that actually brought different tastes to the table. Be a different story, now.

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  • jeg elske vakker norge

    I can not bring myself to eat bear meat, horse, dog, rat no problem.

  • Ryan

    When I was young I had this in my sandwich as did my friends, we would fold it over bite out the eyes and mouth put it on our faces and chase girls.

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  • Mike

    Used to eat this stuff as a kid, and fondly remember it, can’t be arsed to eat it now though as I’m sure like most stuff that’s fondly remembered I’ll find’s it terrible. I do, however, remember my dad deciding to see how well it works for fishing… the result was two caught fish in about ten minutes. So surprisingly well. Skip the maggots guys, Billy Bear is perfect fish bait.