Prize Foods Frozen Cheesy Chips Review

Posted on February 12, 2012 by The Human Dustbin

Frozen Cheesy Chips Box After several pints of reassuringly costly french lager, the frozen microwavable food producers of Britain know that people love a takeaway. With that in mind, they have created a range of takeaway favourites you can enjoy, well consume sober at home, from delicious pizza to the classic doner kebab. Now these meals are joined by the kebab shop stable ‘Cheesy Chips’ thanks to the good people at ‘Prize Food’. I picked this packet up for review from my local Lidl for the bargain price of just one pound. However, I should have paid more attention to the description on the box rather than just looking at the illustration and thinking that this looks like a festival of carbs and fat I just had to try. On closer inspection, this was actually chips in cheese sauce with some red cheddar cheese on top.

Frozen Cheesy Chips CookedAfter getting the block out of the packet it all made sense, the cheese sauce is what formed the customary nukable lump. After stabbing the film with gusto, the cheesy chips went into the microwave for the first 4 minutes of nuking. You then have to peel back the film without tearing it, give it a stir, which even with the best of care breaks up the now defrosted slop, before recovering with the film and giving it another 4 minutes. As you can see from the picture, it kind of looks like melted cheese on chips, but that is just cheese sauce. Where they have been pre-cooked and browned, those chips poking out look crisp, they’re not.

Frozen Cheesy Chips Black ChipSo what does it taste like? The cheese sauce is not bad and tastes like béchamel would do with a little cheddar added. The chips are just mushy oven chips and do not really add any sort of texture. They taste like potato. The red cheddar topping is there just to add a little colour and since it only constitutes 2.5% of the overall contents, adds nothing to the flavour. On the whole, it’s not bad even though I kept find the occasional black chip.  It’s an extremely simple dish and not something you’d really eat as a complete meal, especially is you get a whopping 768 calories for your pound and 60% of your recommended daily fat intake. However, just like a takeaway, this would be an occasional treat of course. It is the kind of childishly simplistic food I could see one of those people who appear on the television series ‘Freaky Eaters’ having for ever meal… along with crisps.

Appearance: 4/10
Taste: 5/10
Value: 4/10
Overall: 13/30

Retailer:
 Lidl UK
Manufacturer:
 Prize Foods (A trading name of the Kerry Group Plc)
Cost:
 £1.00
CPP:
 768
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Posted in Food, Microwaveable Snacks | 8 Comments

Wall’s Microwave Sausages Review

Posted on February 9, 2012 by The Human Dustbin

Wall's Microwavable Sausages Box So you like sausages, but just can’t be arsed to grill, fry or bake one? Never fear, Wall’s have come to your rescue by cooking them for you, covering them in loads of packaging and putting them in chilled section of your Supermarket to heat up in a Microwave. Hallelujah! A firm fan of the pork sausage, I have always considered Wall’s Sausages as Sausage Neutral on the taste scale, much as Pukka Pies are Pie Neutral. To me, Wall’s Sausages are neither good nor bad and a bit bland if I’m honest. However, how could a shite food aficionado pass off the chance to taste a Microwavable Sausage, even if they are 50p over budget.

Wall's Microwavable Sausages PackagingAfter opening the fancy perforated box, My first reaction was, they look exactly like chip shop sausages, the ones that are made out of mashed up Dalmatian and Sawdust (allegedly). Looking at the box, it was clear they were a real pork sausage as they contained 61% Pork when the legal pork sausage limit is 40%. There is no hint of added fat or connective tissue, which is a bonus or it’s hidden legally in the ingredient list.  Perhaps someone from Wall’s could enlighten me?  On their website, Wall’s proudly state that their Microwave sausages are ‘free from artificial colours and flavourings’, which is true. However, they are made pink using Cochineal, which is a ground up beetle. Perhaps these sausages look at bit too ‘Bratwurst’ for the great British Public without it.

Wall's Microwavable Sausages NukedSo what do they taste like? I unwrapped a couple and nuked them for a minute. The taste was actually blander than I remember from a standard Wall’s sausage. In fact the Morrisons and Sainsbury’s value sausages in the Value Sausage Sword Fight, both taste better than this offering that had no distinct herb or spice flavour. There was a vague porky taste and that was it. The sausage itself was as mushy as the the worst I have tried and was sticky on the palate (that must be all the potato starch). I could imagine a white bread sausage sandwich made with these being a stodgy chore to get through. At £2 a packet, these were very disappointing. If you want convenience, then you have the equivalent of a cooked value sausage in minute. If you care about taste and value, they are best avoided.

Ingredients:

Pork (61%), Water, Rusk (Wheat), Potato Starch.
Ingredients less than 2%:
Wheat Fibre, Salt, Vegetable Protein, Dextrose, Stabilisers (E450(i) and E450(iii)), Onion Powder, Preservative (E223), Yeast Extract, Antioxidants (E300), Herb Extract, Spice Extract, Colour (Cochineal). Casings made with Pork Collagen.

Appearance: 4/10
Taste: 2/10
Value: 2/10
Overall: 8/30

Retailer:
 Tesco Stores Ltd
Manufacturer:
 Wall’s (A trading name of the Kerry Group Plc)
Cost:
 £2.00
CPP:
 -
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Posted in Cooked Meats & Pâté, Food, Fresh Meat & Fish | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Tulip Bacon Grill Review

Posted on February 2, 2012 by The Human Dustbin

Tulip Bacon Grill Tub Sometimes it is hard to see how some food products I review, have any market for them whatsoever. Tulip’s Bacon Grill is one of them. What is is meant to be? a substitute for real bacon in a breakfast if the graphics on the pot are anything to go by? I love bacon as much as this kid, so it would have to be extremely good to replace the rashers I normally buy. I’ve just thought of a use for it, storing in a survivalists shelter instead of real bacon, since I bought this from an unrefrigerated shelf with a eye watering long use by date.

Tulip Bacon Grill SludgeAfter pinging of the top lid and ripping off the top foil, I was immediately hit by them smell of a nasty luncheon meat variant, which this obviously is. Just take a look at that lovely fatty sweaty sheen the ‘meat’ has in that grey plastic tub, doesn’t that just get you salivating already? Looking at the tub, it gives you heating instructions that consist of slicing the meat and grilling or frying it for 3 minutes each side. I didn’t fancy doing that and since the lid says it is ready to eat, i thought i’d eat it like a man would when facing the break down of society as we know it. I dug the lump of congealed mechanically recovered meat out of the tub with a big knife and sliced off a bit to ingest some emergency calories.

Tulip Bacon Grill LumpSo what does it taste like? A very strong luncheon meat with a bonus of an extra synthetic flavour which is vaguely smokey. There is no texture as you would expect from meat mush held together by fat. In my view it is even more vile than standard luncheon meat and makes Billy Bear seem quite palatable. After two bites, I could not eat any more. I placed the remains back in the resealable pot, not keep it but it’s bin night and it might stop the badgers in our area smelling this when it goes in a black bag and in the bin. As for our cat, he’s usually at my feet as soon as he smells anything meat based. He was nowhere to be seen. That speaks volumes.

Appearance: 3/10
Taste: 2/10
Value: 1/10
Overall: 6/30

Retailer:
 Wm Morrison Supermarkets plc
Manufacturer:
 Tulip Ltd
Cost:
 £1.00 (Normally £1.69, the same price as a 300g pack of value bacon rashers)
CPP:
 -
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Posted in Cooked Meats & Pâté, Food | 12 Comments

Mr Brain’s Pork Faggots

Posted on January 3, 2012 by The Human Dustbin

Mr Brain's Pork Faggots With Christmas and the New Year done, I thought it was time to get back in the saddle and try some more shite food. For lunch today I finally tried Mr Brain’s Pork Faggots after multiple requests. Loyal readers will know that offal based meat products hold no fear for me and I was quite looking forward to sampling Mr Brain’s variety of this traditional dish. According to good ol’ Wikipedia, “A faggot is traditionally made from pig’s heart, liver and fatty belly meat or bacon minced together, with herbs added for flavouring and sometimes bread crumbs”. These ones are a little tamer, as they have left out the heart, much to my disappointment.

Mr Brain's Pork Faggots CookingAfter getting the foil container out of the packet, my first reaction was ‘I’m not going to light the oven’. Thankfully you can Microwave them. I do not own such a thing a Microwave dish, so I put the huge meaty icicle into a microwavable dish and gave it its first 4 minute nuking. As you can see from the bottom right ‘midway’ picture, things were not looking good, however, they did smell quite appetising. The aroma took me straight back to my childhood, so after stirring and putting the faggots back into the Microwave for a final 3 minutes and 1 minute cool down, I decided to phone my mother to see if I had been fed them as a child. She denied all knowledge but said I could have had them at my Grandparents. More than likely. Enough with the nostalgia, it was time to eat.

Mr Brain's Pork Faggots Om Nom NomIt says on the packaging “You asked for it! Now with more sauce”, thinking this must be pretty good, I tried the sauce/gravy first. I wasn’t disappointed. I will go as far and say it was the tastiest sauce I’ve eaten so for in this voyage of culinary discovery. The faggots themselves are like a soft meatball and have a slightly haggis like smell (which I love). They have a distinct liver and sage taste, with a hint mace and pepper. Not bad at all. By now our Bengal cat was whining at my feet expectantly. I shouted out to my partner “these are lovely!” to which she replied “well they smell f**king disgusting”. I looked down at the cat with a smug look on my face and said, “you’re not getting any of these, son” and polished off the lot.

Ingredients

West Country Sauce 62%: Water, Lard, Wheat Flour, Modified Maze Starch, Tomato Puree, Salt, Colour (E150c), Yeast Extract, Onion Flavour, Sugar, Herb & Spice extract.

Pork Faggots 38%: Water, Rusks, Rehydrated Pork Rinds, Pork Liver (15%), Pork (4%), Pork Fat, Wheat Flour, Salt, Sage, Spice Extract.

Appearance: 4/10
Taste: 7/10
Value: 6/10
Overall: 17/30

Retailer:
 Wm Morrison Supermarkets plc
Manufacturer:
 Kerry Group Plc
Cost:
 £1.00
CPP:
 -
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Posted in Food, Frozen | 21 Comments

Tillman’s Toast Me! Bacon & Egg All Day Breakfast

Posted on December 9, 2011 by The Human Dustbin

Tillman's Toast Me! Bacon & Egg All Day Breakfast 1 There’s one thing that irritates me more and more. I don’t know if it’s because I’m becoming a middle aged grumpy old git, but over-familiar blurb on packaging really irks me. The worst example being Innocent Smoothies, with it’s ‘drink me, I’m great’ type first person nonsense. This product can be forgiven for its chummy title, but the bullshit continues on the back of the packet with the opening salvo ‘Most of us love breakfast but often we don’t have the time to prepare it or can’t be bothered! Hey…don’t Panic!’. Well first of all Tillman’s, I like breakfast, I don’t love it and not having enough time to prepare breakfast is not going to make me panic… on any level. As for your statement, I’m sure it is because people really can’t be arsed to prepare anything, that would lead them to actually consider eating what amounts to a savoury pop tart.

Tillman's Toast Me! Bacon & Egg All Day Breakfast 2Getting one out of the packet, there was a vague savoury smell, one that was not particularly appetising mainly because it was completely unidentifiable apart from being savoury. Unlike most of the products I purchase for review, this one has multiple ways you can ‘cook’ it. You can microwave it, you can put it in a preheated oven, or my favourite ‘Place deep frozen Tillman’s Toast Me! in a frying pan at a medium heat for approx. 3 minutes. Turn regularly or simply just thaw and enjoy cold’. Enjoy cold? That’s the way I like my bacon and egg! However, the primary ‘cooking’ method was toasting so I decided to take Tillman’s advice from the packaging again ‘place in your toaster; and it’s ready before you know it…relax and enjoy…or eat one on the run! Yum Yum!’. After being patronised as if I was a toddler, I decided to relax and try and enjoy my Toast Me!

Tillman's Toast Me! Bacon & Egg All Day Breakfast 3The Toast Me! popped out of the toaster with fat bubbling on the outside. My immediate thought was, f**k I’m going to have to clean the bloody toaster now. Taking my first bite, the outside coating tastes just like the coating on a fish finger. The egg was tasteless and for this bite, didn’t contain any bacon, so you could imagine eating a fish finger. It wasn’t until my third bite that I came across something that had a very artificial bacon flavour (even though it was apparently real bacon). The texture and crunch of the Toast Me! is OK, but the filling is not that pleasant at all. After eating one, my thought was, I’d rather have a simple slice of buttered toast, that’s how bland it is. Looking at the packaging again, Tillman’s offer a Breakfast Tip, ‘Delicious dipped in your favourite ketchup! Fancy another one?’. No thank you.

Appearance: 4/10
Taste: 3/10
Value: 3/10
Overall: 10/30

Retailer:
 Wm Morrison Supermarkets plc
Manufacturer:
 Tillman’s UK
Cost:
 £1.00 (normally £1.39)
CPP:
 -
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Posted in Food, Frozen, Toaster Snack | 13 Comments